Misplaced Your Mojo?

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Ok, so you don't want to do it all on your own.  You'd like those you share your home with to share the load.

What, you do want to do it all on your own?  You want to prove how you're hard done by and better than everyone else and deserving of lots of sympathy?

If that's the case, grow up, get a life, go see a counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist, get frisky with your partner, pull some weeds, do some pruning, scrub something, and come down off your high horse.

Gracious, what an outburst.  What was I saying?  Oh yes, this:

- Stop being a martyr
- Stop feeling guilty
- Shut up and quietly love your family
- Lead by example
- Don't direct your negative feelings about yourself at those around you
- Forgive yourself your imperfections
- Love yourself, so that you may love others

Oh yes, and the practical stuff:

Let your family see that you do things which are good for you and which you enjoy - it's good for them to see this.

Accept input about the systems and routines in your home, like how and when the table is set for dinner, cleared after dinner, how the washing is delivered to and sorted in the laundry, how the rubbish and recycling is dealt with, (many other things).....

.....BUT, remember who is in charge, who's home it is, who is the responsible person, or who are the responsible people, and feel the confidence you need to make a sensible decision.  Not a submissive decision, not an overbearing, inconsiderate decision, but a loving decision.

When delegation and taking charge are required, you need confidence.  You get the confidence for this by being sure about what you are doing and that it is the right thing. 

Teenagers in particular will try to catch you off guard and out argue you, but don't fall for that.  They know you're not really paying attention sometimes and use that to their advantage.  If you pay attention to what they're saying, listen properly, then calmly tell them your decision, for example - ok, but you still have to do the dishes, it will work better.

The standards I'm trying to set and maintain in my home at the moment are:

- The table is always clear, clean, and set nicely for dinner.
- All those able to, fold and put away their own clean washing, and all help with the sheets and towels.
- Everyone helps with caring for the pets, that is feeding, watering, cleaning up after, exercising, entertaining.  Ok, so Mummy still does all the vet stuff.
- Everyone in the home and in the extended family and even friends, helps keep an eye on the little ones and interacts with them.
- A feeling of pride in our home and our family shared and enjoyed by all of us.
- Laughter, being ourselves, having fun, enjoying simple things.
- The idea that we all contribute to our home and family, which gives us the right to feel proud and enjoy it.
- We all look after and keep tidy our own belongings.

All these intentions must be held by me whilst calmly dealing with chatterbox twins with rampantly developing language and argumentative skills, a nearly 5 year old bright little one juggling both big brother and little brother roles, and excited by his own newly discovered capabilities, a 12 year old dealing with just having started high school and puberty, and a 16 year old as demanding and needy as the little ones and managing astonishingly well for her age, not knowing how much joy she gives me even through the yelling and tantrum throwing.

I have noticed on more than a few occasions that my delegation skills and confidence are greatly improved at times when my own room is tidy, I have done my own 'chores', and am feeling productive.  This kind of bossiness from me seems strangely to give the kids confidence and make them more cheerful.

As I type there is a kitten asleep on my diary, impeding my access to the keyboard.  This is our third cat, an unauthorised addition to the family brought home one night by the eldest daughter.  Children and animals - they'll either send you running or make you wake up to yourself and smile.

Anyway, setting an example works like this:  instead of running around nagging everyone about what they should be doing, what is wrong with them, what they're lacking in, what they're neglecting, what they need to get on with and so on....

....shut up, get up off your bum....and do it yourself and show them how. 

This is the true meaning of leadership.  You can lead without even trying, just by confidently knowing you are doing the best you can be doing yourself, for the greater good, which includes for your own good as top priority.

This means truly letting go of thoughts of what others might think you should do, ought to do, whether others 'approve' of you.  Let it go.  You need to approve of yourself. 

Yeah, ok, I saw my shrink today, but all this stuff was my own idea, he just agreed.

Good delegation skills come from feeling sure that you are the best person to do the delegating and a strong understanding that it needs to be done.  The rest comes down to tactfulness, especially with a partner or teenagers.  A "would you like to do the dishes or take the rubbish out" kind of choice, with you participating and performing an important duty yourself, is a good way to approach it.

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#1 Julie 2009-04-04 02:30
I just had this exact conversation with someone yesterday that we lead so much more strongly with our our example than our words. I love your frankness and your humor!


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Anshula Ohri, Toronto,

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Western Australia

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Lynne from Lowood,
Queensland, Australia

"I consider myself very fortunate having chosen Yvette for coaching.  It has turned out to be one of the best decisions I have ever made. I started from a place where I was stuck in procrastination and everything seemed so overwhelming that I didn't really know where to start.  I love the freedom and empowerment I now feel.  Yvette's methods are personalised and very effective.  I have looked forward to every coaching sesssion."

Melbourne, Australia

"Yvette is a great coach who inspires you to overcome the obstacles that she finds in working with you.  She is highly motivated and has worked hard to increase her knowledge in many areas that in turn help her clients.  Yvette draws on her own real life experience adn studies to help those of us who have to juggle many responsibilities and mangage the conflicts in thinking that come from that.  I am looking forward to working with Yvette again in the near future"

Liz Jarvis, CSI Business Solutions, 
NSW, Australia

"Through my coaching experience with Yvette I was able to shift my awareness onto my value system as opposed to staring at my circumstances each day and feeling pulled in a hole.  It's powerful because I want meaning, I want to live up to my values and what's right and good for me!  So, I truly learned the value of letting go and receiving the abundance of knowledge for every situation that gives life, love and meaning to who I am and what I can do, with this fearless self awareness."

New York, USA

"Yvette.  Many thanks for a wonderful experience... Our sessions were productive, really interesting adn I so looked forward to them each week with anticipation of what I can learn about myself and my behaviours.  Every session seemed to flow right on topic of what was present in my relaity at the time and your effortless guiding of my strategies never ceased to amaze me.  I highly recommend you as a life coach and thank you again for the experience."

M Shears, 
Melbourne, Australia

"I really questioned my future career ambitions and thanks to Yvette I changed direction from something I felt I had to do, to something I know I will love to do.  I was stuck on this topic for quite some time and Yvette really helped me shed light on this.  I changed the MBA I signed up for and feel excited about my careeer and all the opportunities in the future."

Sabine Mascarenhas, 
Wollongong, Australia